On the Missionary:

It is of note that the Indians of Peru, before we Christians had come to them, had certain and particular modes of swearing, distinct from ours. They have no assertive oaths, such as ‘by God’ or by heaven’ but only execration or curses…e.g. ‘if I am not telling the truth, may the sun kill me’ … Once when I asked a chieftain in a certain province if he was a Christian, he said ‘I am not yet quite one, but I am making a beginning.’ I asked him what he knew of being a Christian, and he said: ‘I know how to swear to God, and play cards a bit, and I am beginning to steal.’

                                                                                                          Fray Domingo Santo Tomas,
                                                                       Arte de la Lengua general…del Peru (1560), ch.xxiii                             
 
 

Tiki Theory on Pirates

Although the current generation has taken to assault rifles and homing devices, there is something to be said about olde age swashbucklers and their bootylicious ways. In many ways the lifestyle and verve of these seafaring heroes mirrors life as we live it today. Much like most of modern man, thier noble pursuits were all waged in the name of wealth, booze, and decreasing traffic. And much like modern business, they played by their own set of rules. From Black Beard to One-Eyed Willie, a history ripe with individuals, these hearty men all shared a mysterious commonality: a deep affinity for parrots. Most likely an agreeable bunkmate in the crow's nest, the parrot has been long known as ego medicine to pirates and supervisors from all walks of life.
In conclusion, it is worth nothing that many cultural trends- walking the plank, swabbing the decks, and rating movies with foul language and brief nudity- all come from pirates. They were probably more important than Ben Franklin

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Tiki Theory on Religion:

Soup. 
Let’s start with Catholics and Confirmation.  The perfect chance to involve 2 more adults in a child’s life.  Spread the responsibility with a big spoon.  Next add a little Pagan in the form of Halloween.  Celebrating the fall harvest is a good time to wear a disguise and demand free stuff from the neighbors.  A splash of Judaism in the form of Chanukah.  Why settle for one day of gift giving during our winter months when you can have 8 in a row!  Christians bring us Saint Patrick’s Day; pass another Guinness down this way. The Christians also give us Easter as an excuse to eat a large family meal together sometimes comprised of ham, impossible with the Jews.  A little Buddha for rotund color and the topper is dieing as a Muslim male - but how long would any body last surrounded by that many high school girls? 
 
 

Tiki Theory on Bad Tippers

What the hell is up with these guys?  They all can't pretend they are from Europe, where, incidentally, servers make a good wage and the prices in the bars reflect that fact. (5 euros a beer? Hello firehouse!) It's one thing to be cheap but if a person really can't afford to be out.....don't!  These people are nothing but scum that should simply get into a tub with the toaster.  These pompous dregs should step aside, give up their seat or simply eat from a to-go window.  Piss off you rat bastards and stay home.  Don't wonder why we won't check on your 5th cup of coffee or clean the floor, again, under your pig child.  We don't answer to whistles or snapping fingers and 'hey Hey HEY' is really rude.  Bad tippers make it obvious that their life is shit and their misery loves company.  If you have a real issue with the service take it to the boss.  If not then simply do the right thing. 
      NOTE TO SERVERS:  If the person tells you up front that they are a great tipper and that they'll "take good care of you" they won't. Take it in stride and give them great service out of spite.
 

Tiki Theory on Art: 
 

  All who feel the spirit of Art know that technical excellence is not the chief thing: that there must also be the expression of some thought, some creation of the artist’s brain.  We see that pictures or statues which lack this, and rely solely on excellence of technique, though they may gain a certain degree of eminence, never obtain the highest and most lasting fame.  Hence it is that it has been said of technical criticism that it “ can only show us the things that are of minor consequence.” 
   If, then, the real value of a picture lies in the thoughts that it expresses, it is evident that the more knowledge we possess, the more likely we are to be able to read those thoughts and so to appreciate the picture.  And this, true everywhere, is doubly so in the case of the great masters of the classic age of Painting, who were many-sided men, learned in many subjects.  Ruskin, after long study of an important fresco picture by one of these masters, remarked that he stood amazed at the mass of varied knowledge, in history, science, theology, and other subjects, displayed by the artist; and that, as he realized how much it surpassed his own knowledge on the subjects concerned, and marked that this mass of knowledge on the part of the artist was joined also to perfect drawing and colouring, he felt that he “ stood in deed in the presence of a master.” 
   Every picture, in fact (except those belonging to the time of Art’s decadence), has something to say. Lord Lindsay calls the efforts of the earliest masters, “The burning messages of prophecy uttered by the stammering lips of infants.” [Lord Lindsay’s Sketches of the History of Christian Art.]  And whether the execution be crude or not, the true pleasure in Art lies in looking through and beyond it, and deciphering that “ burning message,” if such be there.  Art, therefore, is a universal language; and one in which the artist opens to us a world of high and deep thoughts of which we had before no conception. Thus Learning and Art go hand in hand.  For without Learning Art has nothing to say.  And Art that has nothing to say will never long hold the attention of mankind. 
                                                                 The Medici         Col. G.F.Young, C.B. 
 
 

Tiki Theory on Pierced Scrotums: 

Yes folks, it's out there, a man's nut sack with a little barbell through it. I was sitting at a bar and a fellow was bragging about his forward thinking on attracting the opposite sex. After several more rounds consumed by most, he indulged the small crowd by flashing his oh so very attractive ideas. Between bars, strip joints and the Internet we have all seen some crazy piercings but this is getting out of hand. I wonder if it would leak? What happens when it's real cold out? Do girls really like it? I vaguely remember him saying, " It's a kinda cool feeling when you twist it half way..." 
 
 

 Tiki Theory on Dining Out: 

Oh sure, there are times for the quiet candle lit places. Maybe you are doing business or showing off a tad. Perhaps you like the young waiter in the bowtie and cumber bun. Maybe your dad is buying and that's where HE wants to go. Several times I catered for a couple that had to eat out in the "fancy" places because after spending so much money on their new kitchen, they could not possibly get it dirty! 

Next would be the corporate joints. Food service to America. Not fast service and not very good service, but " what do they know"? I won't sit here and type slander about the shareholder concerned, conventional, run-of-the-mill 'cool' places. The bastion of bastard managers, the sweatshop of servers, the frozen/fried/fingered food produced by a never ending line of poorly paid kitchen folks more concerned about not producing the next McProduct. A friend of mine lives across the bridge from Philly and he laments to this day that the independents are all gone. No cozy little place left to simply have a beer and a steak when the wife throws him out. It's all indifferent little people with perfect hair and creased shirts full of buttons advertising the new drink special that care nothing for his mood or his failings. No, I won't waste your time with this. 

As for us? It's pretty damn simple. Ask someone who's been here 
 
 

Tiki Theory on Light Beer 

Major retail corporations invented the "Easter Gift", Selson Blue has "retsin", bathroom cleaning agents even have "scrubbing bubbles", and of course, the big brewing guns have "light beer".  Why would they create light beer?  Maybe they're genuinely interested in keeping you fit while you're getting a load on, but in reality it's just a new way to sell the same old thing.  And a profitable scam it's been too, since all they're doing is adding water to their original beer.  As some of you know, the Tiki Bar doesn't serve a light beer, in fact we dropped Coors Light many years ago even though it was our best selling beer.  Most business-minded people would think that's crazy, and we are that, but without light beer, customers are only left with better options and at least we're not perpetuating a beer that's not so much a beer as it is an ad campaign

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